Today is December 7, 2020, which marks the three year anniversary of when I met my now ex-husband, Francois Defresne. We met in downtown Detroit, at the Campus Martius ice skating rink for our first date. It was a scene straight out of the movie “Elf” – except we were in Michigan, not New York…and Francois was an immigrant from Belgium, not the North Pole.
For many reasons, our relationship did not work out. We tried marriage in hopes of saving a failing relationship – bad idea. We married in March of 2019; we were divorced in August.
He is back in Europe now. I hope he is doing okay. Sometimes I feel lonely and think of him, but I know his being gone is best for all involved.
This three card spread represents my past, present, and future. It certainly appears accurate at first glance – I hope it turns out to be what it says: ending in Victory.
Past: The Devil
Present: The Empress
Future: 6 of Wands
Interpretation of the Reading
The Devil card in the past represents several aspects of my life. At this very moment, I do believe it is tied to my toxic relationship with Francois. We brought out the worst in each other. This card often surfaced during our relationship. I ignored it and paid the price.
The Devil has presented himself more recently than that though, when I decided to drink again a few weeks ago. It never turns out well if I end up with a beer in my hand; I end up as the Three of Cups reversed – a drunken wreck.
He has also surfaced in my mental illness over the last few weeks. When I get really sick with a bipolar episode, I sometimes dissociate from reality and become detached from what I consider to be my “base” personality (in comparison to my angry, self-deprecating alter ego.) When this happens, I can be incredibly out of touch and make poor decisions. These are dangerous times for someone with bipolar and borderline personality disorder.
Lastly, in regards to the Devil, a few months ago I stopped working full-time at a place which took too much time away from my home life. My kid’s descent in grades (and our messy house) was an obvious red flag that things needed to change here at home.
I began doing odd jobs (cleaning out basements mostly) to try to bring in some money which did not require my regular presence, so I could be home more. It helped and her grades have gone up. However, quitting drove me back into that Devil state, because I went into an episode over the fear of becoming homeless again (Five of Pentacles.)
The Empress is a caring and loving mother figure. She protects her home and her family with full intention, knowing it is she who safeguards the home from the dangers of the outside world. Unless she takes action, things can go south very quickly.
For me, this is the current state of my mind. I don’t have any work, but I know I have to protect my home at all costs. There is no giving up this time. There is only victory because I refuse to let my family end up that way ever again. I will do anything in my power to prevent the loss of our home. Which is why I am (hopefully) taking a job at a coffee shop today. Fingers crossed that it will be a job I can handle, because my illness often manifests in the worst moments.
A secondary meaning of the Empress for me refers to my mother-in-law who passed away last year in a house fire. She embodied the spirit of the Empress more than any other woman I’ve known. And her dishes were always done. I have to remind myself to do them too because it helps me get started working on other tasks once I get motivated to get the washing finished.
Her message to me: keep trying, don’t give up, and when you feel stuck, wash your dishes.
Future: The Six of Wands always reminds me of the old Bugs Bunny cartoons when Elmer Fudd would sing, “V for Victory.” Maybe this is because the card in the Dreaming Way deck actually has a “V” on the card, formed out of the opposing wands of the parading troops.
As a future card, this indicates that what I am attempting to do will be met with success. For me, that means something as simple as securing this job so I can pay my bills next month. Perhaps, the greater victory will be getting to maintain the home that I have been living in for two and a half years.
It took an enormous effort for me to get where I am today. The only real goal I have in the (near) future is to be able to keep what I have worked so hard to build. Perhaps once I feel secure enough, a new goal will emerge: one that is closer to the middle, or even top, of Maslow’s pyramid of needs, and less towards the bottom.
Until that day comes, victory for me will mean keeping my dishes washed and my child fed and housed.