I had a long conversation with my best friend last night. We talked about – well, I was the one who talked mostly because I needed to get it out – how I am feeling sad and a loss because she is moving. No, not across the country, or even across town, just a few blocks away.
Seems petty, I know. My mental illness challenges make little things like this bigger than they probably need to be. Yet, having her at my disposal all these months by being right next door was probably something I took for granted. I was even considering moving away myself, but I knew it had to be her who would do the leaving. I could not leave her behind.
The difficulty comes from the fact that she is now engaged. I told her I think it’s because I love her so much that I now feel cast aside; I am not as important as I used to be now that she has a partner. She understood and told me she was glad I didn’t just cut her off. To be honest, if it was anyone else on the planet, I would have. Probably not out of spite so much as out of protection for my own feelings.
I told her I loved her earlier this year. I don’t know if that was a mistake, because I know I am not interested in women that way. This is different though, because she IS my twin flame. She is my person. “Losing” that to another person who also has mental illness feels unfair. How is my best friend going to have time for me when she is caretaking for someone who has not been there for her the same way I have? I know – selfish of me to feel like that.
This morning my cards turned up the 3 of Swords as advice. I really didn’t know how to feel about that, especially considering the circumstances. Didn’t I already do that last night by telling her about my sorrow over my perceived loss of our friendship? Did I not tell her I am concerned that I think her partner might be more deceptive than she realizes? I told her from the very first time I met her partner that I don’t trust the person. I don’t know if that’s my intuition or my jealousy. Maybe it is both.
It is not fair for me to try to get in the way of her happiness and I don’t want to do that to her. She deserves love, even if I don’t believe I do. Maybe I am just sad at the idea that my friend is going away, like Red with Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank Redemption. Some birds are too beautiful to cage.
I had to look this one up today, which I don’t do often. I usually go off my gut but my intuition is not working right now, not like it usually does.
Something I read told me to let it go and cut it off. Another passage called it a breakthrough. Yet another quote explained that I need to feel what I am going through, no more denial.
I’m still feeling a little stuck on this card. I don’t want to cut off my friend because she is getting married to someone else. I certainly don’t feel like I am having a breakthrough; quite the opposite. Lastly, I AM feeling it and I opened up to her, finally, about how I have been feeling.
For once, I don’t understand what this advice is supposed to be for me. I don’t understand, maybe I don’t want to ACCEPT, what is being told to me. I am going to have to be in pain to be friends with her. If I can take that, I am not yet sure.
I do know that she needs me and I need her, so there is no question of whether I should continue my friendship with her. The real question is whether I can stand the pain.