Cutting Through the Clouds of Doubt

“I have always heard that virtue oughta be it’s own reward

But it never comes easy when you’re living by the sword

“Just a Little Light” – Barlow/Mydland, Grateful Dead, 1989

As a tarot reader, I sometimes have trouble with the court cards. They can be ambiguous in that they typically refer to a specific person in your life, can be you yourself (depending on where they are placed in the spread), or they can be an influence on the situation.

The first way I typically interpret them is as another person who is about to come into my sphere, or someone who is already playing that role in my life. My old boss at the brazing company (yes, I quit last week; I couldn’t take it anymore) would be the Queen of Pentacles because she has money, property, and control. That guy who hits me up randomly to see if I am available for a date (I’m not!), is the Knight of Cups, and so on. 

Granted, sometimes I forget that we have more than one facet to our nature as human beings. I wrote in my last post that I identify most strongly with the Queen of Wands, but that is not always the case. It depends on how I am feeling. Some days, I am more like the Page of Cups – emotional, and somewhat naive. 

So, once I rule out the card as another person in my sphere (maybe they haven’t arrived yet?) then I go to the idea that perhaps the card is referring to me; lastly, as an influence. 

Enter: King of Swords

This morning, I wanted to choose a card to write about and I couldn’t make a decision, so I performed a reading on myself. Temperance came up as the first card I pulled, but it was the King of Swords crossing me that caught my eye. Why? Because he has shown himself multiple times in my readings over the last two weeks. 

King of Swords – Dreaming Way Tarot by Rome Choi and Kwon Shina

When a card repeats itself for you over and over, it is a strong indication that you should pay attention to it. Just as I kept getting the Devil over the last few months – I had him as advice yesterday, ugh – it is a sign to make an adjustment. 

The King of Swords crossing me tells me that I have no clear thought about something, or perhaps, anything at this time; shit, I didn’t even know what I wanted to write about today.

I’ve written a couple of posts over the last few weeks, but could not get myself to publish them on here. I felt doubt about my words and whether people are even interested in what I have to say. So I hid them away. Maybe they will surface on this site in the future, but again, the outlook of where I am headed is unclear.

I believe the reason I have so much doubt is because I want to stay attached to this moment. The doubt allows me to stay paralyzed. I do not want to face what is ahead: finding work, taking the steps to get my finances straightened out, going to the dentist, feeling the pain of loss from yet another mass shooting just two days ago. It’s all hard. 

In the Crow Tarot deck, the artist uses planetary symbols to indicate the type of influence on the card; the King of Swords has the symbol of Saturn. It is this planet which is regarded as “truth” and does not allow for escapism. Saturn forces us to face our fears and pains we do not want to accept. 

King of Swords – Crow Tarot by MJ Cullinane

My cloudy judgment is obscuring my view of what is ahead, which is why I tend to rely on my intuition more than my thoughts. I believe that the Devil card as advice yesterday, in combination with the repeat appearance of the King of Swords, is telling me to focus my thoughts and intentions. It’s all in your mind, they are trying to say. 

It can be difficult when I am having a bipolar episode though – which is like 50% of the time – because nothing seems real or concrete. It’s all 7 of Cups-ish. The real kicker is that sometimes I don’t even know if I am sick, or if I am being lazy. That’s how confused I get. I really can’t tell. 

Getting Down with the Sickness

A few days ago, I got physically ill with what I hope is a sinus infection, and not Covid. A couple guys from the former job tested positive with it this week, so I’m not sure. Since I am not working anyway, I am staying home for a few weeks as a precaution – just in case.  

On Monday, I kept falling asleep and my body was achy all over. However, I didn’t believe I was sick enough to warrant staying in bed. I should be doing chores, I told myself (my Virgo ascendent speaking there!)

The true test came when I realized I didn’t even want coffee. That was how I discovered I was ill. I didn’t listen to my body because I did not want to accept being sick. It was too nice outside and I had work to do. How dare my body decide it was not going to function properly when I had an agenda!

What that agenda was that day is still unclear because I’ve been in a fog since I left my job last week. I’ve felt as though I have no direction, no purpose. Sure, cleaning up broken beer bottles in the men’s restroom wasn’t the most joyous time of my life, but at least there was a goal. And working there brought me to meet Will, for which I will be forever grateful. 

My last day at the plant, I had to clean up a broken, spilled beer in the bathroom. Pretty much one of the last straws for me at that place.
What Do I Really Want?

That’s the first step in figuring this all out. Mark Manson wrote in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, about how he wanted to be a rockstar when he was younger. He finally gave up on the idea once he realized that he didn’t want to put in the work it takes to become a musician: lugging equipment around, traveling and being away from home to go on tour, etc.  Sounds a lot like what a psychic has to do to get work, truthfully.

Sometimes I wonder if I am like him with his music. Perhaps I love the Tarot, but do I want to do what it takes to make it a career? Would I love it as much if I did? Am I just saying I want to do the Tarot for a living when I know I have no desire to attend Psychic Fairs or deal with marketing? Sometimes fantasizing is just that. If you don’t put in the work, it remains a fantasy. 

The King of Swords is warning me to get it together because I can’t just hang out all spring and summer like I did last year when the pandemic hit. I’ve got a wedding to plan, bills to pay, and a life to live. Sitting here waiting for something to happen to me is a surefire way to get saddled with another dead-end job. 

It is time to cut through the self-doubt, wield my power, and forge my own path forward. 

Much love,

Heather XO


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